But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

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Gerbil turds

“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”

Chris Bucholz, Cracked.com, on the overabundance of tweets about the Presidential Debate

At least she didn’t use her battering ram

“I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you, when it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth-castle.”

“Village Idiot” JD to “Princess” Elliot, Scrubs

But did it cauterize the bullshit?

“Bill Clinton slices through Mitt Romney’s bullshit like the light saber he is.”

Patton Oswalt, via Twitter

Incoming!

“You know what we called fruits and vegetables at my school? Nerd grenades.”

John Stewart, The Daily Show, on schools offering healthier lunches to students

Drowning in plagiarism

“Fighting against it is like slogging through the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story: you can head into it as optimistically as you like, but by the end you will be so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of unapologetic nastiness and disrespect that, at the very least, a horse somewhere will die from it, probably.”

Soren Bowie, Cracked.com, on plagiarism and copyright infringement on the internet

Time to start singing the blues

“Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, ‘unchain Wall Street.’ They’re going to put y’all back in chains.”

Joe Biden, on Republican policy

“Well, ours won’t give you a heart attack for at least TWENTY years!”

“It’s like watching McDonald’s debate Burger King over whose fries are healthier.”

J. Aigner, via Facebook, on the Presidential Debates

Ever had your face mauled by a good book?

“So one summer you are reading A Wrinkle in Time or Fantastic Mr. Fox or whatever, and then you show up for your first day of school and BAM, The Scarlet Letter. And get on that pronto, kid, because we are going to talk about metaphors and symbolism in Chapter 1 tomorrow. I opened these books thinking they would be great and rewarding, like the books I was used to, but it was like biting into a delicious-looking cake and finding a bear trap. After my face had been so destroyed by so many bear traps (to continue the metaphor) that the greatest reconstructive surgeon in the world could do nothing to save it, I stopped looking at books as wonderful presents I couldn’t wait to open and started looking at them with a sort of low-level PTSD.”

Christina H, Cracked.com, on school reading

The dreaded clock of debt

“They see the national debt clock staring them in the face. They see a debt crisis, and they just ignore and pretend it didn’t even happen.”

Paul Ryan, comparing Obama to the NFL replacement referees

Delusions of grandeur

“Physicists hate the term. Higgs hates the term. It’s like discovering a vital new gene in neurology and calling it the Kardashian….”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on calling the Higgs boson the “God Particle.”

Hey, who can resist a hovering sandwich?

“Imagine you’re walking down the street and suddenly you see a sandwich hovering in front of you. Hovering sandwiches being your favorite kind, you reach out for it, and are instantly devoured by a nearby monster disguised as a minivan.”

Monte Richard & E. Reid Ross, Cracked.com, on angler fish.

Reverse! Reverse! Beep beep beep….

“But then came the sequels — most notable for setting the land-speed record for the fastest time anything has traveled all the way back up its own ass.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on The Matrix series

Can we get the built-in buzz app, instead?

“The human brain is equipped with “hedonic set points” which not only establish where our base mood is (optimistic, pessimistic or indifferent); but also adapts rather quickly to our surroundings and returns to our base frame of mind. Basically, we all have a built-in buzzkill app.”

Kimmy Dee, Cracked.com, on happiness

Thanks, but we prefer our satanity open-faced

“…a sugar-coated satan sandwich.”

Representative Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), on the debt deal

Any softer and your skin would simply float away

“Your hand, while firm and masculine, is as soft as a velour child.”

Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

But you should see their line work

“I know from experience that my men have the all artistic talent of a cluster of colorblind hedgehogs, in a bag.”

Edmund Blackadder

At least you wouldn’t notice the bad dubbing

“…a zoo of carefully showcased remnants that never get up and walk around their cages; somber, sterile, impersonal, about as pointless as listening to a soundtrack of Bruce Lee action scenes while staring at a blank screen.”

Tony Maxwell, Monkees.net, on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum

Well, we certainly know some rotten apples

“… Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children….”

Bob Vander Plaats, The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon MARRIAGE and FAMILY

Who says videogames are bad for kids?

“It’s like a pikachu… that’s not electric.”

Karl’s little sister, describing a mouse

Get over yourselves, people!

For those of you who keep emailing us, we KNOW they’re similes.

You’re not being smart. You’re not being helpful. And by pointing out that we have similes on here, you’re not demonstrating that you have a bigger penis than us. In fact, the collective Voltron penis formed by all of our members’ members (even the female ones) will easily pistol-whip your little twig.

See, now THAT’s a metaphor.

Bad Metaphors is not a literary site. It’s supposed to be a place to go for a smile or a laugh. If you can’t handle the fact that we post examples of both metaphors and similes, maybe you’ll have more fun at Wikipedia.

Murderous editors

“Editing is just like writing, except hateful, and in reverse. Instead of birthing words and ideas out of nothing, you’re murdering them in cold blood, culling them like sickly sheep weakening the flock.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Better than being like the planet Hoth

“Seriously, man. Jews. We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there….

“That’s right, the foliage in my pubic hair is like the planet Endor. That’s what I’m suggesting.”

John Stewart, the Daily Show, on Anthony Weiner’s lack of body hair

Sounds like my high school prom date

“A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice.”

Homer Simpson

Still better than being the audience in a Carrot Top routine

“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”

David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes

They really do know everything

“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”

Anchorman, Ron Burgundy, to his dog

And remember to cover your ears while they’re screaming

“Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.”

Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

Ground meat

“The entire practice is insane and stupid. I know this. It puts me in a permanent blind spot; an unannounced lane change will guaranteed kill me; I essentially volunteer to become the meat in a crushing steel sandwich.”

Ezekiel Buchheit, Cracked.com, on lane-splitting on a motorcycle

Unannounced changes

“The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

It’s a big puzzle piece

Kim Kardashian, newly engaged, with a $2-million engagement ring: “I finally found my missing puzzle piece! I’m complete.”

ABC News anchor: “Does she mean the guy or the stone?”

The kind of knowledge only a doctor would have

“Hi. It’s like hello, only shorter.”

Dr Gregory House

A lute… of death

“Medicine in the 19th century was so medieval it might as well have walked around in a tunic and leggings while strumming a lute.”

Jacopo della Quercia, Cracked.com, on Civil War casualties

In all fairness, it was your kidney’s fault for not getting out of the way

“Ryan Giggs is suing Twitter. That’s like being stabbed and suing the knife.”

Via Facebook

Better start bailing

“I’m beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I’m beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a shitty boat.”

John Stewart, the Daily Show, on the constant mentions of a “perfect storm” of events leading to a stock market crash

Someone plug up that leak

“Electricity is just a flow of electrons from some place that has too many of them to some place that really wants them. But where they really want to go is to the ground. If generated power is a shipload of sailors on shore leave, the ground is a whore house that’s having a two-for-one special.”

Martin Bear, Cracked.com

That’s one slick dude

“…he floored it into a straightaway, weaving through traffic with the creamy ease and sleazy skill of a buttered gigolo.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Panda booty

“The giant panda is the Kim Kardashian of the animal world. It has big eyes, curves in the right places, and is ever-photogenic. It gets by on its good looks alone, while more deserving animals (the Yangtze River crocodile, hello??) are simply ignored by the world’s animators and toy-makers.”

Kristie Lu Stout, CNN.com

Well, at least it’s less bloody

“Playing poker online is like being mugged without the company.”

Lucy Porter

Sharing is caring

“….I’ve still got all my points saved on my computer somewhere, and I’d be happy to regurgitate them here. I’m offering you my pre-digested leftovers, basically.”

Online conversation between two writers for Cracked.com

We sound delicious!

“[Humans are] little more than tasty flesh bags waiting for an errant horn or claw to spill our guts like a meat pinata.”

David Dietle, Cracked.com