“Casablanca is literally the Casablanca of movies.”
Anthony Scibelli, Cracked.com
Category Archives: Movies & Television
Some people might actually enjoy a suppository that does that
“This giant waddling suppository is a renaissance man — he hacks computer systems, picks electronic locks, co-pilots spacecraft, welds things, fights robot crabs, flies and sets things on fire, and also records and replays crucially important messages that set the entire saga in motion.”
David Christopher Bell, Cracked.com, on Star Wars’ R2-D2
Shouldn’t it depend on what trimester the word was in?
“…We do in fact love to adopt these goddamn language abortions and repeat them until everyone in the world wants to drown us.
John Cheese, Cracked.com, on make-up words in commercials
At least she didn’t use her battering ram
“I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you, when it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth-castle.”
“Village Idiot” JD to “Princess” Elliot, Scrubs
Reverse! Reverse! Beep beep beep….
“But then came the sequels — most notable for setting the land-speed record for the fastest time anything has traveled all the way back up its own ass.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on The Matrix series
Any softer and your skin would simply float away
“Your hand, while firm and masculine, is as soft as a velour child.”
Zapp Brannigan, Futurama
But you should see their line work
“I know from experience that my men have the all artistic talent of a cluster of colorblind hedgehogs, in a bag.”
Edmund Blackadder
Better than being like the planet Hoth
“Seriously, man. Jews. We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there….
“That’s right, the foliage in my pubic hair is like the planet Endor. That’s what I’m suggesting.”
John Stewart, the Daily Show, on Anthony Weiner’s lack of body hair
Sounds like my high school prom date
“A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice.”
Homer Simpson
They really do know everything
“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
Anchorman, Ron Burgundy, to his dog
And remember to cover your ears while they’re screaming
“Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.”
Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons
The kind of knowledge only a doctor would have
“Hi. It’s like hello, only shorter.”
Better start bailing
“I’m beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I’m beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a shitty boat.”
John Stewart, the Daily Show, on the constant mentions of a “perfect storm” of events leading to a stock market crash
And that’s what we call a strike!
“If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”
Zapp Branigan, Futurama
Impeccable description
“Disease and deprivation stalk our land, like two giant stalking things.”
Edmund Blackadder
The birds and the bees do politics
“Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel. Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 News. Demand more of your government. Demand more of your press.”
Kent Brockman, The Simpsons
He forgot to mention the long, grueling hours of maintenance
“You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman: get in her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!”
Lord Flashheart, Blackadder
Just not the big red one
“A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.”
Homer Simpson
Let’s just hope you’re not lactose intolerant
“[She was] skim milk thin and buttermilk sallow in her dress…”
Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
Unless, of course, you look at the little card that comes with the box
“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”
Forrest Gump
Bad Metaphors 