Hopefully, the playhouse doesn’t have too many people marching to their own drummers

“They see the world as their playhouse and their mind as the conductor.”

Paul Hudson, Elite Daily, on people who love their lives

For the non-geeky, this is a Star Wars metaphor….

“Intimacy, by definition, means lowering your defenses, leaving yourself vulnerable. But once you’ve let someone into your proverbial exhaust port, just to see them blow up your very core with a photon torpedo of betrayal, you swear you’ll never let that happen again. And the only way to do that is to never let anyone get close.”

David Wong and Rob Nietupski, Cracked.com, on being hurt by people close to us


And shiny, too

“For a whole day, you’re a gas station hot dog, unnaturally tan and slowly rolling along, under the gaze of hundreds of other people who will most likely find something better to eat.”

Daniel Lockery, Cracked.com, on participating in a body building competition

When the internet needs the Heimlich

“Internet equality is more important than ever, as I learned this weekend when the interwebs tried to swallow me whole. But I’m proud to say that I got lodged in its throat, and it hacked me back up like a hastily chewed chicken wing.”

Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, on #CancelColbert on Twitter

Pillsbury slam dunk

“Some people can absolutely chase a dream and make it, but you know what, I will never be in the NBA. As a pasty lump of unkneaded dough who gets a solid 2 inches of air when standing still, I have no game. If I pursued a career as a ballplayer, I wouldn’t just fail; I would probably make people around me worse as a haze of shameful lack of talent oozed from me wherever I went.”

Felix Clay, Cracked.com, on chasing your dreams

Hipster-izing romance

“The video peddles the fantasy that beauty can spring from an unexpected connection between two random people, but what it’s really showing us is the beauty of models making out. It’s like the hipster Bachelor.”

Amanda Hess, Slate.com, on the First Kiss video

The stink that lingers

“Ideas from the past that continue to hang around, like a fart from history that just will not go away, no matter how furiously we wave our hands in the air and open and close the door, trying to air it out….”

Jack O’Brien, Cracked.com, on historically bad ideas

Caught in a storm of hoofs

“How much for the horse tornado?”

“Sir, that’s a carousel.”

“I must have it.”

@Busocco, via Twitter

Too bad there’s no way to set the machine on “free play”

“Just because you put nice tokens in doesn’t mean sex comes out.”

Commenter Digaro, on nice guys

Looking for the nail clipper of sympathy

“Her feelings were hurt like an ingrown toenail waiting to be clipped.”

Submitted by Toneysha Irby

Or as we like to call it, “complex”

“The old man’s breath smelled like a rotten egg in an old smelly gym sock wrapped in a malodorous smelling baby diaper placed in a trash dump.”

Submitted by Toneysha Irby

To kill a shy person

“Shy and awkward people are not looking for you to save them because they don’t need to be saved. Why do we throw around the phrase ‘She really helped him break out of his shell’ as if that’s a good thing? If a turtle breaks out of his shell, he will die.”

Daniel O’Brien, Cracked.com, on awkwardness

The pubic hair of South America

“It’s not a ‘Brazilian.’ That is a creepy euphemism, which like all euphemisms, hides ugly truth. Also, ‘Brazilian’ is the most ridiculous euphemism for a bald vagina, since Brazil is largely thick, untamed jungle. If any country looks like pubes, it’s Brazil. A shaved bald vagina should be called ‘the Utah Salt Flats,’ but who would ask for that?”

Tom Cowell, The Frisky

Another poopy one

“Can WBC members help it that they are the skid marks on the underwear of the world?”

Kelly Stone, Cracked.com, on the Westboro Baptist Church

Turd Infusion

“For me, the comment section isn’t a few bad apples ruining it for everyone, it’s more like a punch bowl with turds of varying size floating in it, you can take them out and still drink it just fine, but once you know the turds were in there, it’s just nowhere near as enjoyable.”

Karl Smallwood, on the comment section of Cracked.com

So what do the good little avocados get?

“You look so adorably geeky. I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”

Message on OKCupid

Pigeon physics

“Steven Seagal moves like time-lapse footage of a pigeon decomposing and it’s a five step process for him to change directions. So in that way, this is a precise simulation of what it’s like to pilot a Steven Seagal.”

Seanbaby, Cracked.com

But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

Still better than being the audience in a Carrot Top routine

“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”

David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes

Unannounced changes

“The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

It’s a big puzzle piece

Kim Kardashian, newly engaged, with a $2-million engagement ring: “I finally found my missing puzzle piece! I’m complete.”

ABC News anchor: “Does she mean the guy or the stone?”

That’s one slick dude

“…he floored it into a straightaway, weaving through traffic with the creamy ease and sleazy skill of a buttered gigolo.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

We sound delicious!

“[Humans are] little more than tasty flesh bags waiting for an errant horn or claw to spill our guts like a meat pinata.”

David Dietle, Cracked.com

That’s snot the mental image we were hoping for

“Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

Do Vegas hookers get spring break in Tijuana?

“Look at how even the most ‘regal’ of them all is already dressing like a Vegas hooker with three bottles of dirty tequila on a raunchy Tijuana spring break night.”

Internet commenter, on Kate Middleton’s wedding dress

Thank God the baby didn’t pull a Dale Sr.

“We had to get to the hospital right away. The baby was coming faster than Dale Earnhardt Jr. in a championship race.”

But is your mind half-empty or half-full?

“Did you just say, ‘mind bottling’?”

“No, I prefer to tap my brain directly. Draft mind always tastes fresher than bottled mind.”

I hate when my clothes runneth over

“He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when!'”

P.G. Wodehouse

I’d hate to see how they approached jigsaw puzzles

“They divorced after a lot of trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole (and not hers).”

Thin metal sheets scare the crap out of me!

“The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.”