Opposite Extremists

“Donald Trump is an extremist leader who came out of nowhere. He’s self-financed, recruits through social media, and attracts his followers with a radical ideology to take over the world and is actively trying to promote a war between Islam and the west.”

“Oh my god, Hasan. He’s… White ISIS.”

“That’s right, Trevor. Donald Trump is White ISIS…. WISIS.”

Trevor Noah and Hassan Minhaj, The Daily Show

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Up the stinky hill

“…think of lobbyists as political Sherpas, guiding lost foreigners up Himalayan mountains of bullshit.”

Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on lobbyists

A metaphor that needs punching up

“Comparing Apple’s handful of bugs with Obamacare’s technology meltdown isn’t just comparing apples to oranges, it’s like comparing apples to a punch in the face.”

Jeff Yang, QZ.com, on Obama’s comparison of Healthcare.gov to iOS7.

Eating away at itself

“I don’t think ABC and NBC and CBS are activist organizations for liberal causes. I think Fox looks at those organizations, and they are sort of an auto-immune disease against that. They… Fox News is sort of the lupus of news.”

Jon Stewart, Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium

He should talk to the guy who has “J1mmy Cart3r 4 Eva” tattooed on his forehead

“Totally disappointed, man. I’m the guy who has egg all over his face, but instead of egg, it’s a big Romney/Ryan tattoo. It’s there for life.”

Eric Hartsburg, who tattooed the Romney campaign’s logo on the side of his head

Poking the sleeping giant

“The Latino giant is wide awake, cranky, and its taking names.”

Eliseo Medina, Secretary-Treasurer of the SEIU, on the Latino vote during the 2012 Presidential Election

Gerbil turds

“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”

Chris Bucholz, Cracked.com, on the overabundance of tweets about the Presidential Debate

But did it cauterize the bullshit?

“Bill Clinton slices through Mitt Romney’s bullshit like the light saber he is.”

Patton Oswalt, via Twitter

Incoming!

“You know what we called fruits and vegetables at my school? Nerd grenades.”

John Stewart, The Daily Show, on schools offering healthier lunches to students

Time to start singing the blues

“Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, ‘unchain Wall Street.’ They’re going to put y’all back in chains.”

Joe Biden, on Republican policy

“Well, ours won’t give you a heart attack for at least TWENTY years!”

“It’s like watching McDonald’s debate Burger King over whose fries are healthier.”

J. Aigner, via Facebook, on the Presidential Debates

The dreaded clock of debt

“They see the national debt clock staring them in the face. They see a debt crisis, and they just ignore and pretend it didn’t even happen.”

Paul Ryan, comparing Obama to the NFL replacement referees

Thanks, but we prefer our satanity open-faced

“…a sugar-coated satan sandwich.”

Representative Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), on the debt deal

Well, we certainly know some rotten apples

“… Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children….”

Bob Vander Plaats, The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon MARRIAGE and FAMILY

Better than being like the planet Hoth

“Seriously, man. Jews. We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there….

“That’s right, the foliage in my pubic hair is like the planet Endor. That’s what I’m suggesting.”

John Stewart, the Daily Show, on Anthony Weiner’s lack of body hair

V: a letter in the form of an inverted lambda

“A-Frame Structure: A building shaped in the configuration of an inverted V….”

Ventura County Coastal Zoning Ordinance

Our miniature pony of annoyance pales in comparison

“Indeed, critics can smugly mount their high horse of disgust only because somebody else was willing to do their dirty work for them.”

Michael Goodwin, Fox News, on liberal criticism

Giving terrorism a hand

“You know, in the horror movie you kill the monster, and the hand re-emerges. And if you’re not looking, the hand grows back and then the monster’s there again. That cannot be allowed to happen.”

Rudy Giuliani, on terrorism

The birds and the bees do politics

“Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel. Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 News. Demand more of your government. Demand more of your press.”

Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

Well, she does wear the pantsuits in the family

“I truly believe that that is going to take an individual that has testicular fortitude.”

Paul Gibson, president of the Sheet Metal Workers’ Union, on Hillary Clinton

What?!? Because they’re fast and friendly?

“Planned Parenthood is the LensCrafters of big abortion.”

Michele Bachmann

But imagine the sprawling views you’ll have of your home

“It’s a bit like the ideal home show, if your ideal home is one that’s just been blown up by a camera-guided six-kilogram fragmentation bomb.”

Lauren Laverne, on a Libyan arms sale

How does he know the secret ingredient?

I haven’t seen so many dirty snouts and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space since I last looked inside a sausage.

Charlie Brooker, Newswipe, on politicians

Beaten by his own people

“I’ve always said my baseball bat is a metaphor for the people. You can grab this handle and bring the people with you to Albany or you can leave it untouched and run the risk of having it wielded against you.”

Carl Paladino, November 2010 Concession Speech

The carpet tape of conservatism will foil their nefarious plans!

“We are unwilling to let this cabal of radicals pull the rug of freedom out from under us.”

Michele Bachmann, on Democrats