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Shredding English, drowning it between your toes, then spitting the fumes on English's dead horse

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Karl Smallwoodhttp://karlsmallwood.wordpress.comKarl Smallwood is a writer just trying to make a sweet-ass living from the words he writes. You can find more from him on his personal website, Factfiend.com.

Any softer and your skin would simply float away

07/21/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Your hand, while firm and masculine, is as soft as a velour child.”

Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

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Movies & Television Funny metaphorsfuturamaZapp Brannigan Leave a comment

But you should see their line work

07/18/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“I know from experience that my men have the all artistic talent of a cluster of colorblind hedgehogs, in a bag.”

Edmund Blackadder

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Movies & Television BlackadderFunny metaphors Leave a comment

Who says videogames are bad for kids?

07/08/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“It’s like a pikachu… that’s not electric.”

Karl’s little sister, describing a mouse

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Prattle Funny metaphorsmousepikachu Leave a comment

Sounds like my high school prom date

06/15/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice.”

Homer Simpson

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Movies & Television Homer Simpsonthe simpsonswomen 1 Comment

They really do know everything

06/10/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”

Anchorman, Ron Burgundy, to his dog

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Movies & Television AnchormandogsRon Burgundy 2 Comments

And remember to cover your ears while they’re screaming

06/09/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.”

Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

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Movies & Television Funny metaphorsshopliftingthe simpsons Leave a comment

The kind of knowledge only a doctor would have

05/31/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Hi. It’s like hello, only shorter.”

Dr Gregory House

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Movies & Television Funny metaphorsHouse Leave a comment

In all fairness, it was your kidney’s fault for not getting out of the way

05/27/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Ryan Giggs is suing Twitter. That’s like being stabbed and suing the knife.”

Via Facebook

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Sports & Recreation Funny metaphorsRyan GiggsTwitter Leave a comment

Well, at least it’s less bloody

05/20/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Playing poker online is like being mugged without the company.”

Lucy Porter

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Sports & Recreation Funny metaphorsLucy Porteronline poker Leave a comment

And that’s what we call a strike!

05/17/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”

Zapp Branigan, Futurama

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Movies & Television Funny metaphorsfuturama Leave a comment

Impeccable description

05/11/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Disease and deprivation stalk our land, like two giant stalking things.”

Edmund Blackadder

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Movies & Television BlackadderFunny metaphors 2 Comments

He forgot to mention the long, grueling hours of maintenance

05/03/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman: get in her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!”

Lord Flashheart, Blackadder

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Movies & Television aircraftBlackadderFunny metaphorswomen 1 Comment

It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for

04/29/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Sure, it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer.”

Jeremy Clarkson, on diesel cars

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Technology dieselFunny metaphors Leave a comment

Just not the big red one

04/22/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.”

Homer Simpson

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Movies & Television Funny metaphorsSimpsons 1 Comment

Calling Yoda out

04/18/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“You look like a million dollars, all green and wrinkly.”

Older-than-time joke

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Unless, of course, you look at the little card that comes with the box

04/15/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”

Forrest Gump

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Movies & Television Forrest GumpFunny metaphors Leave a comment

I’d complain, but there’s a Frogger in my throat

04/14/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“Trauma Center: During most of the game, you feel like you are playing Space Invaders on someone’s stomach.”

Via TV Tropes

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Sports & Recreation Funny metaphorsTrauma Center Leave a comment

But imagine the sprawling views you’ll have of your home

04/13/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“It’s a bit like the ideal home show, if your ideal home is one that’s just been blown up by a camera-guided six-kilogram fragmentation bomb.”

Lauren Laverne, on a Libyan arms sale

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Government & Politics Funny metaphorsLauren Laverne Leave a comment

At least you’ll age well

04/12/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“You’re like a fine wine. You should be kept in a cellar for years.”

Older-than-time joke

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People Funny metaphorsjokes 1 Comment

How does he know the secret ingredient?

04/08/2011 by Karl Smallwood

I haven’t seen so many dirty snouts and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space since I last looked inside a sausage.

Charlie Brooker, Newswipe, on politicians

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Government & Politics Charlie BrookerFunny metaphorspoliticians Leave a comment

That’s like the piss calling the fart stinky

04/04/2011 by Karl Smallwood

“… A Justin Beiber fan insulting Rebecca Black is like someone gargling a mouthful of skunk piss having a go at the dog for letting one off.”

Charlie Brooker, defending Rebecca Black

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Music Charlie BrookerFunny metaphorsJustin BeiberRebecca Black Leave a comment

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