“Just because you put nice tokens in doesn’t mean sex comes out.”
Commenter Digaro, on nice guys
“Just because you put nice tokens in doesn’t mean sex comes out.”
Commenter Digaro, on nice guys
“Comparing Apple’s handful of bugs with Obamacare’s technology meltdown isn’t just comparing apples to oranges, it’s like comparing apples to a punch in the face.”
Jeff Yang, QZ.com, on Obama’s comparison of Healthcare.gov to iOS7.
“Shy and awkward people are not looking for you to save them because they don’t need to be saved. Why do we throw around the phrase ‘She really helped him break out of his shell’ as if that’s a good thing? If a turtle breaks out of his shell, he will die.”
Daniel O’Brien, Cracked.com, on awkwardness
“It’s not a ‘Brazilian.’ That is a creepy euphemism, which like all euphemisms, hides ugly truth. Also, ‘Brazilian’ is the most ridiculous euphemism for a bald vagina, since Brazil is largely thick, untamed jungle. If any country looks like pubes, it’s Brazil. A shaved bald vagina should be called ‘the Utah Salt Flats,’ but who would ask for that?”
Tom Cowell, The Frisky
“For me, the comment section isn’t a few bad apples ruining it for everyone, it’s more like a punch bowl with turds of varying size floating in it, you can take them out and still drink it just fine, but once you know the turds were in there, it’s just nowhere near as enjoyable.”
Karl Smallwood, on the comment section of Cracked.com
“You look so adorably geeky. I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”
“Henrich had thought he would be adding a small branch to an established tree of knowledge. It turned out he was sawing at the very trunk.”
Ethan Watters, Pacific Standard, on the psychology of the “ultimatum game.”
“Casablanca is literally the Casablanca of movies.”
Anthony Scibelli, Cracked.com
“Samsung’s Monstrous TV Stand Is Like a Vampire Sorority Girl: Beautiful and Horrible at The Same Time”
“A Suzuki Hayabusa, to be exact — a bike that is already as notoriously crazy as a bag full of wet cats.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com
“Beer pong is also known as Beirut, depending on where you’re from (although what ping pong balls, plastic cups and beer has to do with the capital of Lebanon is anybody’s guess. We assume it has to do with getting bombed. Repeatedly).”
Tim Parent, Cracked.com
“Something shows up on a computer, a jet fires a missile at seemingly nothing and then, a few minutes later, something blows up somewhere that you cannot see. It’s less like “high-stakes plane jockeying” and more like “filing a request for death” that another department, miles away, might or might not grant.”
Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on what aerial dogfights are actually like
“The human body has 206 bones. When I’m with you I have 207.”
I Fucking Love Science, via Facebook
“I don’t think ABC and NBC and CBS are activist organizations for liberal causes. I think Fox looks at those organizations, and they are sort of an auto-immune disease against that. They… Fox News is sort of the lupus of news.”
Jon Stewart, Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium
“I like my coffee like I like my women,” I said, sidling up to her….
“Full of my own semen,” I suavely finished.
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on an alleged date
“This giant waddling suppository is a renaissance man — he hacks computer systems, picks electronic locks, co-pilots spacecraft, welds things, fights robot crabs, flies and sets things on fire, and also records and replays crucially important messages that set the entire saga in motion.”
David Christopher Bell, Cracked.com, on Star Wars’ R2-D2
“Steven Seagal moves like time-lapse footage of a pigeon decomposing and it’s a five step process for him to change directions. So in that way, this is a precise simulation of what it’s like to pilot a Steven Seagal.”
Seanbaby, Cracked.com
“Totally disappointed, man. I’m the guy who has egg all over his face, but instead of egg, it’s a big Romney/Ryan tattoo. It’s there for life.”
Eric Hartsburg, who tattooed the Romney campaign’s logo on the side of his head
“Just squeeze a stumpy orange dick and watch fear come yodeling towards you in a pair of fat dancing ghost pants.”
Rich Wallace, Cracked.com, on an inexplicable children’s toy
“The Latino giant is wide awake, cranky, and its taking names.”
Eliseo Medina, Secretary-Treasurer of the SEIU, on the Latino vote during the 2012 Presidential Election
“…We do in fact love to adopt these goddamn language abortions and repeat them until everyone in the world wants to drown us.
John Cheese, Cracked.com, on make-up words in commercials
“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”
Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking
“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”
“I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you, when it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth-castle.”
“Village Idiot” JD to “Princess” Elliot, Scrubs
“Bill Clinton slices through Mitt Romney’s bullshit like the light saber he is.”
Patton Oswalt, via Twitter
“Fighting against it is like slogging through the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story: you can head into it as optimistically as you like, but by the end you will be so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of unapologetic nastiness and disrespect that, at the very least, a horse somewhere will die from it, probably.”
Soren Bowie, Cracked.com, on plagiarism and copyright infringement on the internet
“Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, ‘unchain Wall Street.’ They’re going to put y’all back in chains.”
Joe Biden, on Republican policy
“It’s like watching McDonald’s debate Burger King over whose fries are healthier.”
J. Aigner, via Facebook, on the Presidential Debates
“So one summer you are reading A Wrinkle in Time or Fantastic Mr. Fox or whatever, and then you show up for your first day of school and BAM, The Scarlet Letter. And get on that pronto, kid, because we are going to talk about metaphors and symbolism in Chapter 1 tomorrow. I opened these books thinking they would be great and rewarding, like the books I was used to, but it was like biting into a delicious-looking cake and finding a bear trap. After my face had been so destroyed by so many bear traps (to continue the metaphor) that the greatest reconstructive surgeon in the world could do nothing to save it, I stopped looking at books as wonderful presents I couldn’t wait to open and started looking at them with a sort of low-level PTSD.”
Christina H, Cracked.com, on school reading
“Physicists hate the term. Higgs hates the term. It’s like discovering a vital new gene in neurology and calling it the Kardashian….”
Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on calling the Higgs boson the “God Particle.”
“Imagine you’re walking down the street and suddenly you see a sandwich hovering in front of you. Hovering sandwiches being your favorite kind, you reach out for it, and are instantly devoured by a nearby monster disguised as a minivan.”
Monte Richard & E. Reid Ross, Cracked.com, on angler fish.
“But then came the sequels — most notable for setting the land-speed record for the fastest time anything has traveled all the way back up its own ass.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on The Matrix series
“The human brain is equipped with “hedonic set points” which not only establish where our base mood is (optimistic, pessimistic or indifferent); but also adapts rather quickly to our surroundings and returns to our base frame of mind. Basically, we all have a built-in buzzkill app.”
Kimmy Dee, Cracked.com, on happiness
“…a sugar-coated satan sandwich.”
Representative Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), on the debt deal
“Your hand, while firm and masculine, is as soft as a velour child.”
Zapp Brannigan, Futurama
“I know from experience that my men have the all artistic talent of a cluster of colorblind hedgehogs, in a bag.”
Edmund Blackadder
“…a zoo of carefully showcased remnants that never get up and walk around their cages; somber, sterile, impersonal, about as pointless as listening to a soundtrack of Bruce Lee action scenes while staring at a blank screen.”
Tony Maxwell, Monkees.net, on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum
“… Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children….”
Bob Vander Plaats, The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon MARRIAGE and FAMILY
“It’s like a pikachu… that’s not electric.”
Karl’s little sister, describing a mouse
“Editing is just like writing, except hateful, and in reverse. Instead of birthing words and ideas out of nothing, you’re murdering them in cold blood, culling them like sickly sheep weakening the flock.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com