Still better than being the audience in a Carrot Top routine

“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”

David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes

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And remember to cover your ears while they’re screaming

“Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.”

Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

Ground meat

“The entire practice is insane and stupid. I know this. It puts me in a permanent blind spot; an unannounced lane change will guaranteed kill me; I essentially volunteer to become the meat in a crushing steel sandwich.”

Ezekiel Buchheit, Cracked.com, on lane-splitting on a motorcycle

Unannounced changes

“The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

It’s a big puzzle piece

Kim Kardashian, newly engaged, with a $2-million engagement ring: “I finally found my missing puzzle piece! I’m complete.”

ABC News anchor: “Does she mean the guy or the stone?”

The kind of knowledge only a doctor would have

“Hi. It’s like hello, only shorter.”

Dr Gregory House

A lute… of death

“Medicine in the 19th century was so medieval it might as well have walked around in a tunic and leggings while strumming a lute.”

Jacopo della Quercia, Cracked.com, on Civil War casualties

In all fairness, it was your kidney’s fault for not getting out of the way

“Ryan Giggs is suing Twitter. That’s like being stabbed and suing the knife.”

Via Facebook

Better start bailing

“I’m beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I’m beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a shitty boat.”

John Stewart, the Daily Show, on the constant mentions of a “perfect storm” of events leading to a stock market crash

Someone plug up that leak

“Electricity is just a flow of electrons from some place that has too many of them to some place that really wants them. But where they really want to go is to the ground. If generated power is a shipload of sailors on shore leave, the ground is a whore house that’s having a two-for-one special.”

Martin Bear, Cracked.com

That’s one slick dude

“…he floored it into a straightaway, weaving through traffic with the creamy ease and sleazy skill of a buttered gigolo.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Panda booty

“The giant panda is the Kim Kardashian of the animal world. It has big eyes, curves in the right places, and is ever-photogenic. It gets by on its good looks alone, while more deserving animals (the Yangtze River crocodile, hello??) are simply ignored by the world’s animators and toy-makers.”

Kristie Lu Stout, CNN.com

Well, at least it’s less bloody

“Playing poker online is like being mugged without the company.”

Lucy Porter

Sharing is caring

“….I’ve still got all my points saved on my computer somewhere, and I’d be happy to regurgitate them here. I’m offering you my pre-digested leftovers, basically.”

Online conversation between two writers for Cracked.com

We sound delicious!

“[Humans are] little more than tasty flesh bags waiting for an errant horn or claw to spill our guts like a meat pinata.”

David Dietle, Cracked.com

And that’s what we call a strike!

“If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”

Zapp Branigan, Futurama

V: a letter in the form of an inverted lambda

“A-Frame Structure: A building shaped in the configuration of an inverted V….”

Ventura County Coastal Zoning Ordinance

Our miniature pony of annoyance pales in comparison

“Indeed, critics can smugly mount their high horse of disgust only because somebody else was willing to do their dirty work for them.”

Michael Goodwin, Fox News, on liberal criticism

Giving terrorism a hand

“You know, in the horror movie you kill the monster, and the hand re-emerges. And if you’re not looking, the hand grows back and then the monster’s there again. That cannot be allowed to happen.”

Rudy Giuliani, on terrorism

Impeccable description

“Disease and deprivation stalk our land, like two giant stalking things.”

Edmund Blackadder

The building blocks of death

“When they called it ‘the building blocks of life,’ you probably pictured DNA as a series of neatly edged Legos snapping together to form a cohesive whole. When in reality, DNA is more like an old scrapbook that someone has torn up, pasted back together, filled with old newspaper clippings about murder and then taken into the bathroom with them.”

C. Coville, Cracked.com

We’re not afraid. We smell like poverty.

“The first thing you need to know about Goldman Sachs is that it’s everywhere. The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.”

Matt Taibbi, The Great American Bubble Machine

That’s snot the mental image we were hoping for

“Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

The birds and the bees do politics

“Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel. Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 News. Demand more of your government. Demand more of your press.”

Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

He forgot to mention the long, grueling hours of maintenance

“You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman: get in her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!”

Lord Flashheart, Blackadder

A scarier, hairier version of underwear gnomes

“With his flowery board shorts and ripped surfer’s build, he looked–to Jenn, at least–‘like some little yeti who raided your underwear drawer.'”

 Christopher McDougall, Born to Run

It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for

“Sure, it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer.”

Jeremy Clarkson, on diesel cars

Well, she does wear the pantsuits in the family

“I truly believe that that is going to take an individual that has testicular fortitude.”

Paul Gibson, president of the Sheet Metal Workers’ Union, on Hillary Clinton

Going hand-in-hand like rappers and campfires

“A campfire flickers in his widowed eyes.”

Lisa Taddeo, Esquire.com, describing Damon Nash’s disappointment when he and Jay-Z parted ways

It’s not how fast you type, it’s how you use your fingers

“I’m mulling over a story. I think I know what direction I’m going, but haven’t put pen to paper.”

“Don’t put pen to paper. Put finger to keyboard. It tends to be faster.”

“That sounds dirty.”

“Well, that depends on whose keyboard you’re putting your fingers to….”

Exchange between unidentified writer and editor

We assume Charlie Sheen must be a sharpshooter then

“If accuracy were an STD, he would be on antibiotics…”

Via Twitter

Just not the big red one

“A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.”

Homer Simpson

Let’s just hope you’re not lactose intolerant

“[She was] skim milk thin and buttermilk sallow in her dress…”

Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

We only wish this were a metaphor

“Touch it gently, put two fingers inside. If it’s wide, use three fingers. Make sure it’s wet, and rub up & down.”

Instructions on how to wash a cup

Maybe it was just drunk dialing

“The voice of Love seemed to call me, but it was a wrong number.”

P.G. Wodehouse

Unless, of course, you look at the little card that comes with the box

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”

Forrest Gump

May these words be your insulin shot

“You used to be immune to sugar, now you’re acting like a diabetic.”

Via Twitter

I’d complain, but there’s a Frogger in my throat

Trauma Center: During most of the game, you feel like you are playing Space Invaders on someone’s stomach.”

Via TV Tropes