“Intimacy, by definition, means lowering your defenses, leaving yourself vulnerable. But once you’ve let someone into your proverbial exhaust port, just to see them blow up your very core with a photon torpedo of betrayal, you swear you’ll never let that happen again. And the only way to do that is to never let anyone get close.”
David Wong and Rob Nietupski, Cracked.com, on being hurt by people close to us
“For a whole day, you’re a gas station hot dog, unnaturally tan and slowly rolling along, under the gaze of hundreds of other people who will most likely find something better to eat.”
Daniel Lockery, Cracked.com, on participating in a body building competition
“…think of lobbyists as political Sherpas, guiding lost foreigners up Himalayan mountains of bullshit.”
Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on lobbyists
“Some people can absolutely chase a dream and make it, but you know what, I will never be in the NBA. As a pasty lump of unkneaded dough who gets a solid 2 inches of air when standing still, I have no game. If I pursued a career as a ballplayer, I wouldn’t just fail; I would probably make people around me worse as a haze of shameful lack of talent oozed from me wherever I went.”
Felix Clay, Cracked.com, on chasing your dreams
“Whereas bombing is very mechanical in nature, [basic fighter maneuvers] is more of an art form, like painting, if painters frequently passed out and then died from painting too hard.”
Chris Radomile and Lt. James “Marble” Sharpe, Cracked.com, on flying a fighter jet
“Ideas from the past that continue to hang around, like a fart from history that just will not go away, no matter how furiously we wave our hands in the air and open and close the door, trying to air it out….”
Jack O’Brien, Cracked.com, on historically bad ideas
“Shy and awkward people are not looking for you to save them because they don’t need to be saved. Why do we throw around the phrase ‘She really helped him break out of his shell’ as if that’s a good thing? If a turtle breaks out of his shell, he will die.”
Daniel O’Brien, Cracked.com, on awkwardness
“For me, the comment section isn’t a few bad apples ruining it for everyone, it’s more like a punch bowl with turds of varying size floating in it, you can take them out and still drink it just fine, but once you know the turds were in there, it’s just nowhere near as enjoyable.”
Karl Smallwood, on the comment section of Cracked.com
“Casablanca is literally the Casablanca of movies.”
Anthony Scibelli, Cracked.com
“A Suzuki Hayabusa, to be exact — a bike that is already as notoriously crazy as a bag full of wet cats.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com
“Beer pong is also known as Beirut, depending on where you’re from (although what ping pong balls, plastic cups and beer has to do with the capital of Lebanon is anybody’s guess. We assume it has to do with getting bombed. Repeatedly).”
Tim Parent, Cracked.com
“Something shows up on a computer, a jet fires a missile at seemingly nothing and then, a few minutes later, something blows up somewhere that you cannot see. It’s less like “high-stakes plane jockeying” and more like “filing a request for death” that another department, miles away, might or might not grant.”
Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on what aerial dogfights are actually like
“I like my coffee like I like my women,” I said, sidling up to her….
“Full of my own semen,” I suavely finished.
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on an alleged date
“This giant waddling suppository is a renaissance man — he hacks computer systems, picks electronic locks, co-pilots spacecraft, welds things, fights robot crabs, flies and sets things on fire, and also records and replays crucially important messages that set the entire saga in motion.”
David Christopher Bell, Cracked.com, on Star Wars’ R2-D2
“Steven Seagal moves like time-lapse footage of a pigeon decomposing and it’s a five step process for him to change directions. So in that way, this is a precise simulation of what it’s like to pilot a Steven Seagal.”
Seanbaby, Cracked.com
“Just squeeze a stumpy orange dick and watch fear come yodeling towards you in a pair of fat dancing ghost pants.”
Rich Wallace, Cracked.com, on an inexplicable children’s toy
“It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on the Chaiten volcano in Chile
“…We do in fact love to adopt these goddamn language abortions and repeat them until everyone in the world wants to drown us.
John Cheese, Cracked.com, on make-up words in commercials
“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”
Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking
“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”
“Fighting against it is like slogging through the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story: you can head into it as optimistically as you like, but by the end you will be so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of unapologetic nastiness and disrespect that, at the very least, a horse somewhere will die from it, probably.”
Soren Bowie, Cracked.com, on plagiarism and copyright infringement on the internet
“So one summer you are reading A Wrinkle in Time or Fantastic Mr. Fox or whatever, and then you show up for your first day of school and BAM, The Scarlet Letter. And get on that pronto, kid, because we are going to talk about metaphors and symbolism in Chapter 1 tomorrow. I opened these books thinking they would be great and rewarding, like the books I was used to, but it was like biting into a delicious-looking cake and finding a bear trap. After my face had been so destroyed by so many bear traps (to continue the metaphor) that the greatest reconstructive surgeon in the world could do nothing to save it, I stopped looking at books as wonderful presents I couldn’t wait to open and started looking at them with a sort of low-level PTSD.”
Christina H, Cracked.com, on school reading
“Physicists hate the term. Higgs hates the term. It’s like discovering a vital new gene in neurology and calling it the Kardashian….”
Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on calling the Higgs boson the “God Particle.”
“Imagine you’re walking down the street and suddenly you see a sandwich hovering in front of you. Hovering sandwiches being your favorite kind, you reach out for it, and are instantly devoured by a nearby monster disguised as a minivan.”
Monte Richard & E. Reid Ross, Cracked.com, on angler fish.
“But then came the sequels — most notable for setting the land-speed record for the fastest time anything has traveled all the way back up its own ass.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on The Matrix series
“The human brain is equipped with “hedonic set points” which not only establish where our base mood is (optimistic, pessimistic or indifferent); but also adapts rather quickly to our surroundings and returns to our base frame of mind. Basically, we all have a built-in buzzkill app.”
Kimmy Dee, Cracked.com, on happiness
“Editing is just like writing, except hateful, and in reverse. Instead of birthing words and ideas out of nothing, you’re murdering them in cold blood, culling them like sickly sheep weakening the flock.”
Robert Brockway, Cracked.com
“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”
David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes
Bad Metaphors 