Tag Archives: Funny metaphors

But imagine the sprawling views you’ll have of your home

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“It’s a bit like the ideal home show, if your ideal home is one that’s just been blown up by a camera-guided six-kilogram fragmentation bomb.”

Lauren Laverne, on a Libyan arms sale

At least you’ll age well

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“You’re like a fine wine. You should be kept in a cellar for years.”

Older-than-time joke

Breastfeeding with the raw and saggy tit of reality

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“I’m the Octomom of days pregnant with possibilities.”

Via Twitter

Well, it’s better than the balsamic vinegar of readership that other sites have

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“We serve a hive mind, feeding the sucrose syrup of readership into the damp food pockets of our editor so that his young are nourished and soon to hatch.”

Unnamed writer for Cracked.com

How does he know the secret ingredient?

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I haven’t seen so many dirty snouts and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space since I last looked inside a sausage.

Charlie Brooker, Newswipe, on politicians

Beaten by his own people

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“I’ve always said my baseball bat is a metaphor for the people. You can grab this handle and bring the people with you to Albany or you can leave it untouched and run the risk of having it wielded against you.”

Carl Paladino, November 2010 Concession Speech

Thank God the baby didn’t pull a Dale Sr.

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“We had to get to the hospital right away. The baby was coming faster than Dale Earnhardt Jr. in a championship race.”

The carpet tape of conservatism will foil their nefarious plans!

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“We are unwilling to let this cabal of radicals pull the rug of freedom out from under us.”

Michele Bachmann, on Democrats

But is your mind half-empty or half-full?

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“Did you just say, ‘mind bottling’?”

“No, I prefer to tap my brain directly. Draft mind always tastes fresher than bottled mind.”

I hate when my clothes runneth over

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“He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when!'”

P.G. Wodehouse

That’s like the piss calling the fart stinky

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“… A Justin Beiber fan insulting Rebecca Black is like someone gargling a mouthful of skunk piss having a go at the dog for letting one off.”

Charlie Brooker, defending Rebecca Black

Let sleeping wings snore

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“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

George W. Bush

I’d hate to see how they approached jigsaw puzzles

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“They divorced after a lot of trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole (and not hers).”

Thin metal sheets scare the crap out of me!

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“The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.”

Stifling puppies

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“…leave this sleeping dog lie in the heat of the August afternoon and move onto the golden autumn of a new relationship.”

Frost THIS

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“I brought him a cupcake I’d made and frosted with his name.”

“AWWW, this is too sweet! I bet he loved your cupcakes.”

“He likes to help with the frosting.”

A well-oiled fang

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“You are a big rat and a snake with poisonous venom. Lots of luck to those who come here and slip in that!”