“If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”
Zapp Branigan, Futurama
V: a letter in the form of an inverted lambda
“A-Frame Structure: A building shaped in the configuration of an inverted V….”
Our miniature pony of annoyance pales in comparison
“Indeed, critics can smugly mount their high horse of disgust only because somebody else was willing to do their dirty work for them.”
Michael Goodwin, Fox News, on liberal criticism
Giving terrorism a hand
“You know, in the horror movie you kill the monster, and the hand re-emerges. And if you’re not looking, the hand grows back and then the monster’s there again. That cannot be allowed to happen.”
Rudy Giuliani, on terrorism
Impeccable description
“Disease and deprivation stalk our land, like two giant stalking things.”
Edmund Blackadder
The building blocks of death
“When they called it ‘the building blocks of life,’ you probably pictured DNA as a series of neatly edged Legos snapping together to form a cohesive whole. When in reality, DNA is more like an old scrapbook that someone has torn up, pasted back together, filled with old newspaper clippings about murder and then taken into the bathroom with them.”
C. Coville, Cracked.com
We’re not afraid. We smell like poverty.
“The first thing you need to know about Goldman Sachs is that it’s everywhere. The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.”
Matt Taibbi, The Great American Bubble Machine
That’s snot the mental image we were hoping for
“Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.”
Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational
Do Vegas hookers get spring break in Tijuana?
“Look at how even the most ‘regal’ of them all is already dressing like a Vegas hooker with three bottles of dirty tequila on a raunchy Tijuana spring break night.”
Internet commenter, on Kate Middleton’s wedding dress
The birds and the bees do politics
“Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel. Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 News. Demand more of your government. Demand more of your press.”
Kent Brockman, The Simpsons
He forgot to mention the long, grueling hours of maintenance
“You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman: get in her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!”
Lord Flashheart, Blackadder
A scarier, hairier version of underwear gnomes
“With his flowery board shorts and ripped surfer’s build, he looked–to Jenn, at least–‘like some little yeti who raided your underwear drawer.'”
Christopher McDougall, Born to Run
It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for
“Sure, it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer.”
Jeremy Clarkson, on diesel cars
Well, she does wear the pantsuits in the family
“I truly believe that that is going to take an individual that has testicular fortitude.”
Paul Gibson, president of the Sheet Metal Workers’ Union, on Hillary Clinton
Going hand-in-hand like rappers and campfires
“A campfire flickers in his widowed eyes.”
Lisa Taddeo, Esquire.com, describing Damon Nash’s disappointment when he and Jay-Z parted ways
It’s not how fast you type, it’s how you use your fingers
“I’m mulling over a story. I think I know what direction I’m going, but haven’t put pen to paper.”
“Don’t put pen to paper. Put finger to keyboard. It tends to be faster.”
“That sounds dirty.”
“Well, that depends on whose keyboard you’re putting your fingers to….”
Exchange between unidentified writer and editor
We assume Charlie Sheen must be a sharpshooter then
“If accuracy were an STD, he would be on antibiotics…”
Via Twitter
Just not the big red one
“A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.”
Homer Simpson
Good Tip: 50 office-speak phrases to avoid
Here are 50 office-speak phrases we love to hate, according to BBC News.
Some of our favorites:
“Going forward”
“Idea showers”
“Incentivise”
“Let’s touch base about that offline”
“Low hanging fruit”
“Conversate”
“360-degree thinking”
“Get all my ducks in a row”
“At the end of the day”
“Cascading down”
“Actioning”
“You can’t have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music.”
Anyone care to add their own?
Let’s just hope you’re not lactose intolerant
“[She was] skim milk thin and buttermilk sallow in her dress…”
Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
What?!? Because they’re fast and friendly?
“Planned Parenthood is the LensCrafters of big abortion.”
We only wish this were a metaphor
“Touch it gently, put two fingers inside. If it’s wide, use three fingers. Make sure it’s wet, and rub up & down.”
Instructions on how to wash a cup
Calling Yoda out
“You look like a million dollars, all green and wrinkly.”
Older-than-time joke
Maybe it was just drunk dialing
“The voice of Love seemed to call me, but it was a wrong number.”
P.G. Wodehouse
Unless, of course, you look at the little card that comes with the box
“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”
Forrest Gump
And it makes my ass look fat, too
“Seriously, 5:30 am is NOT a good color on me.”
Via Facebook
Burying the cliche: “Dig your own grave”
We love the phrase, “dig your own grave.”
Unfortunately, it’s just another tired cliche by now, so we’d like to update it for 2011. What are some other ways you can tell someone they’re only creating trouble for themselves?
Here are a few we thought of:
“Fill your own urn.”
“Step on your own landmine.”
“Punch in your own launch codes.”
“Build your own jet-propelled car.”
“Stamp FAIL on your own forehead.”
“Buy your own ticket to Ciudad Juarez.”
“Troll your own blog.”
Any others you can think of?
May these words be your insulin shot
“You used to be immune to sugar, now you’re acting like a diabetic.”
Via Twitter
I’d complain, but there’s a Frogger in my throat
“Trauma Center: During most of the game, you feel like you are playing Space Invaders on someone’s stomach.”
Via TV Tropes
But imagine the sprawling views you’ll have of your home
“It’s a bit like the ideal home show, if your ideal home is one that’s just been blown up by a camera-guided six-kilogram fragmentation bomb.”
Lauren Laverne, on a Libyan arms sale
Oh no, my smile is breaking out again!
“His contagious smile spreads like herpes!”
Via Twitter
At least you’ll age well
“You’re like a fine wine. You should be kept in a cellar for years.”
Older-than-time joke
Breastfeeding with the raw and saggy tit of reality
“I’m the Octomom of days pregnant with possibilities.”
Via Twitter
Well, it’s better than the balsamic vinegar of readership that other sites have
“We serve a hive mind, feeding the sucrose syrup of readership into the damp food pockets of our editor so that his young are nourished and soon to hatch.”
Unnamed writer for Cracked.com
How does he know the secret ingredient?
I haven’t seen so many dirty snouts and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space since I last looked inside a sausage.
Charlie Brooker, Newswipe, on politicians
Beaten by his own people
“I’ve always said my baseball bat is a metaphor for the people. You can grab this handle and bring the people with you to Albany or you can leave it untouched and run the risk of having it wielded against you.”
Carl Paladino, November 2010 Concession Speech
Thank God the baby didn’t pull a Dale Sr.
“We had to get to the hospital right away. The baby was coming faster than Dale Earnhardt Jr. in a championship race.”
The carpet tape of conservatism will foil their nefarious plans!
“We are unwilling to let this cabal of radicals pull the rug of freedom out from under us.”
Michele Bachmann, on Democrats
Wait, wouldn’t that mess it up?
“You made your bed. Now you have to lie in it!”
But is your mind half-empty or half-full?
“Did you just say, ‘mind bottling’?”
“No, I prefer to tap my brain directly. Draft mind always tastes fresher than bottled mind.”
Bad Metaphors 