Pillsbury slam dunk

“Some people can absolutely chase a dream and make it, but you know what, I will never be in the NBA. As a pasty lump of unkneaded dough who gets a solid 2 inches of air when standing still, I have no game. If I pursued a career as a ballplayer, I wouldn’t just fail; I would probably make people around me worse as a haze of shameful lack of talent oozed from me wherever I went.”

Felix Clay, Cracked.com, on chasing your dreams

The pubic hair of South America

“It’s not a ‘Brazilian.’ That is a creepy euphemism, which like all euphemisms, hides ugly truth. Also, ‘Brazilian’ is the most ridiculous euphemism for a bald vagina, since Brazil is largely thick, untamed jungle. If any country looks like pubes, it’s Brazil. A shaved bald vagina should be called ‘the Utah Salt Flats,’ but who would ask for that?”

Tom Cowell, The Frisky

But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

Still better than being the audience in a Carrot Top routine

“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”

David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes