Pillsbury slam dunk

“Some people can absolutely chase a dream and make it, but you know what, I will never be in the NBA. As a pasty lump of unkneaded dough who gets a solid 2 inches of air when standing still, I have no game. If I pursued a career as a ballplayer, I wouldn’t just fail; I would probably make people around me worse as a haze of shameful lack of talent oozed from me wherever I went.”

Felix Clay, Cracked.com, on chasing your dreams

The pubic hair of South America

“It’s not a ‘Brazilian.’ That is a creepy euphemism, which like all euphemisms, hides ugly truth. Also, ‘Brazilian’ is the most ridiculous euphemism for a bald vagina, since Brazil is largely thick, untamed jungle. If any country looks like pubes, it’s Brazil. A shaved bald vagina should be called ‘the Utah Salt Flats,’ but who would ask for that?”

Tom Cowell, The Frisky

Denied by the Department of Death

“Something shows up on a computer, a jet fires a missile at seemingly nothing and then, a few minutes later, something blows up somewhere that you cannot see. It’s less like “high-stakes plane jockeying” and more like “filing a request for death” that another department, miles away, might or might not grant.”

Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on what aerial dogfights are actually like

Some people might actually enjoy a suppository that does that

“This giant waddling suppository is a renaissance man — he hacks computer systems, picks electronic locks, co-pilots spacecraft, welds things, fights robot crabs, flies and sets things on fire, and also records and replays crucially important messages that set the entire saga in motion.”

David Christopher Bell, Cracked.com, on Star Wars’ R2-D2

But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

Gerbil turds

“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”

Chris Bucholz, Cracked.com, on the overabundance of tweets about the Presidential Debate

Drowning in plagiarism

“Fighting against it is like slogging through the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story: you can head into it as optimistically as you like, but by the end you will be so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of unapologetic nastiness and disrespect that, at the very least, a horse somewhere will die from it, probably.”

Soren Bowie, Cracked.com, on plagiarism and copyright infringement on the internet