And shiny, too

“For a whole day, you’re a gas station hot dog, unnaturally tan and slowly rolling along, under the gaze of hundreds of other people who will most likely find something better to eat.”

Daniel Lockery, Cracked.com, on participating in a body building competition

Paddling through a sea of trolls

“…without Slack all men are truly islands, or at least small dinghies being relentlessly battered into pieces by the endless troll-army that is Modern Twitter.”

Nilay Patel, The Verge, on the Slack chat platform

Up the stinky hill

“…think of lobbyists as political Sherpas, guiding lost foreigners up Himalayan mountains of bullshit.”

Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on lobbyists

When the internet needs the Heimlich

“Internet equality is more important than ever, as I learned this weekend when the interwebs tried to swallow me whole. But I’m proud to say that I got lodged in its throat, and it hacked me back up like a hastily chewed chicken wing.”

Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, on #CancelColbert on Twitter

Pillsbury slam dunk

“Some people can absolutely chase a dream and make it, but you know what, I will never be in the NBA. As a pasty lump of unkneaded dough who gets a solid 2 inches of air when standing still, I have no game. If I pursued a career as a ballplayer, I wouldn’t just fail; I would probably make people around me worse as a haze of shameful lack of talent oozed from me wherever I went.”

Felix Clay, Cracked.com, on chasing your dreams

Intergalactic suburbia

“I mean, there’s a black hole out there that weighs 21 billion solar masses. And it’s 336 million light years away. Our black hole? It couldn’t tear a mid-sized star apart. We’re the cosmic equivalent of a fucking cul-de-sac.”

The Onion, on why earth is in the lamest part of the universe

Hey, those watercolor fumes can give you some serious headaches

“Whereas bombing is very mechanical in nature, [basic fighter maneuvers] is more of an art form, like painting, if painters frequently passed out and then died from painting too hard.”

Chris Radomile and  Lt. James “Marble” Sharpe, Cracked.com, on flying a fighter jet

Hipster-izing romance

“The video peddles the fantasy that beauty can spring from an unexpected connection between two random people, but what it’s really showing us is the beauty of models making out. It’s like the hipster Bachelor.”

Amanda Hess, Slate.com, on the First Kiss video

The stink that lingers

“Ideas from the past that continue to hang around, like a fart from history that just will not go away, no matter how furiously we wave our hands in the air and open and close the door, trying to air it out….”

Jack O’Brien, Cracked.com, on historically bad ideas

Caught in a storm of hoofs

“How much for the horse tornado?”

“Sir, that’s a carousel.”

“I must have it.”

@Busocco, via Twitter

Too bad there’s no way to set the machine on “free play”

“Just because you put nice tokens in doesn’t mean sex comes out.”

Commenter Digaro, on nice guys

Looking for the nail clipper of sympathy

“Her feelings were hurt like an ingrown toenail waiting to be clipped.”

Submitted by Toneysha Irby

From ashes to rashes

“When winter came, you never wore lotion, causing you to put the ‘ash’ in ‘rash.'”

Submitted by Yasmine

Or as we like to call it, “complex”

“The old man’s breath smelled like a rotten egg in an old smelly gym sock wrapped in a malodorous smelling baby diaper placed in a trash dump.”

Submitted by Toneysha Irby

A metaphor that needs punching up

“Comparing Apple’s handful of bugs with Obamacare’s technology meltdown isn’t just comparing apples to oranges, it’s like comparing apples to a punch in the face.”

Jeff Yang, QZ.com, on Obama’s comparison of Healthcare.gov to iOS7.

To kill a shy person

“Shy and awkward people are not looking for you to save them because they don’t need to be saved. Why do we throw around the phrase ‘She really helped him break out of his shell’ as if that’s a good thing? If a turtle breaks out of his shell, he will die.”

Daniel O’Brien, Cracked.com, on awkwardness

The pubic hair of South America

“It’s not a ‘Brazilian.’ That is a creepy euphemism, which like all euphemisms, hides ugly truth. Also, ‘Brazilian’ is the most ridiculous euphemism for a bald vagina, since Brazil is largely thick, untamed jungle. If any country looks like pubes, it’s Brazil. A shaved bald vagina should be called ‘the Utah Salt Flats,’ but who would ask for that?”

Tom Cowell, The Frisky

Another poopy one

“Can WBC members help it that they are the skid marks on the underwear of the world?”

Kelly Stone, Cracked.com, on the Westboro Baptist Church

Turd Infusion

“For me, the comment section isn’t a few bad apples ruining it for everyone, it’s more like a punch bowl with turds of varying size floating in it, you can take them out and still drink it just fine, but once you know the turds were in there, it’s just nowhere near as enjoyable.”

Karl Smallwood, on the comment section of Cracked.com

So what do the good little avocados get?

“You look so adorably geeky. I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”

Message on OKCupid

Chopping down the Tree of Knowledge

“Henrich had thought he would be adding a small branch to an established tree of knowledge. It turned out he was sawing at the very trunk.”

Ethan Watters, Pacific Standard, on the psychology of the “ultimatum game.”

Okay, so this isn’t technically a metaphor….

“Casablanca is literally the Casablanca of movies.”

Anthony Scibelli, Cracked.com

Bloodsucking technology

“Samsung’s Monstrous TV Stand Is Like a Vampire Sorority Girl: Beautiful and Horrible at The Same Time”

Gizmodo

Not to mention the lady who owns them….

“A Suzuki Hayabusa, to be exact — a bike that is already as notoriously crazy as a bag full of wet cats.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Explosive drunkenness

“Beer pong is also known as Beirut, depending on where you’re from (although what ping pong balls, plastic cups and beer has to do with the capital of Lebanon is anybody’s guess. We assume it has to do with getting bombed. Repeatedly).”

Tim Parent, Cracked.com

Denied by the Department of Death

“Something shows up on a computer, a jet fires a missile at seemingly nothing and then, a few minutes later, something blows up somewhere that you cannot see. It’s less like “high-stakes plane jockeying” and more like “filing a request for death” that another department, miles away, might or might not grant.”

Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on what aerial dogfights are actually like

Making me bony

“The human body has 206 bones. When I’m with you I have 207.”

I Fucking Love Science, via Facebook

Eating away at itself

“I don’t think ABC and NBC and CBS are activist organizations for liberal causes. I think Fox looks at those organizations, and they are sort of an auto-immune disease against that. They… Fox News is sort of the lupus of news.”

Jon Stewart, Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium

Nothing like a warm cup of semen to perk you up

“I like my coffee like I like my women,” I said, sidling up to her….

“Full of my own semen,” I suavely finished.

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on an alleged date

Some people might actually enjoy a suppository that does that

“This giant waddling suppository is a renaissance man — he hacks computer systems, picks electronic locks, co-pilots spacecraft, welds things, fights robot crabs, flies and sets things on fire, and also records and replays crucially important messages that set the entire saga in motion.”

David Christopher Bell, Cracked.com, on Star Wars’ R2-D2

Pigeon physics

“Steven Seagal moves like time-lapse footage of a pigeon decomposing and it’s a five step process for him to change directions. So in that way, this is a precise simulation of what it’s like to pilot a Steven Seagal.”

Seanbaby, Cracked.com

He should talk to the guy who has “J1mmy Cart3r 4 Eva” tattooed on his forehead

“Totally disappointed, man. I’m the guy who has egg all over his face, but instead of egg, it’s a big Romney/Ryan tattoo. It’s there for life.”

Eric Hartsburg, who tattooed the Romney campaign’s logo on the side of his head

The new face of fear

“Just squeeze a stumpy orange dick and watch fear come yodeling towards you in a pair of fat dancing ghost pants.”

Rich Wallace, Cracked.com, on an inexplicable children’s toy

Poking the sleeping giant

“The Latino giant is wide awake, cranky, and its taking names.”

Eliseo Medina, Secretary-Treasurer of the SEIU, on the Latino vote during the 2012 Presidential Election

Hitting you in the most sensitive part of your eye

“It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on the Chaiten volcano in Chile

Shouldn’t it depend on what trimester the word was in?

“…We do in fact love to adopt these goddamn language abortions and repeat them until everyone in the world wants to drown us.

John Cheese, Cracked.com, on make-up words in commercials

But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

Gerbil turds

“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”

Chris Bucholz, Cracked.com, on the overabundance of tweets about the Presidential Debate

At least she didn’t use her battering ram

“I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you, when it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth-castle.”

“Village Idiot” JD to “Princess” Elliot, Scrubs

But did it cauterize the bullshit?

“Bill Clinton slices through Mitt Romney’s bullshit like the light saber he is.”

Patton Oswalt, via Twitter